remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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