I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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