i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
