if i can run in heels then i can drive
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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