He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
