And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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