Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
