im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
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