I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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