If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
