he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
