Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
