just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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