Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize