I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
