I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
