Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
