there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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