shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Randomize
