i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
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