we need to drink 2009 down the drain
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
