You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
