who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
i think i just lost a toe
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
