I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
