Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
