bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
