my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
