Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
