how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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