I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
