i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
your like the ambassador to my penis.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
