he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
