You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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