i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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