I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
there's paper in my vomit.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
