Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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