well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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