Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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