My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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