I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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