Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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