I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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