So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
