two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
