woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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