i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
