I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
