Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
