My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
You are a genius and a whore.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
