I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
