just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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