WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
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